[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
At least my masseuse has my back.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was