[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
britain’s three elite institutions
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
In space, no one can hear…
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*