My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
You Might Also Like
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.