“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?