We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
sensitive skin
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what