Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Your secret is safeish with me
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother