The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
those birds must be on payroll
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.