Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.