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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
are they though??
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃