LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
You Might Also Like
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
craving $300 all of a sudden
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
umm…
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.