[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Brands during Pride
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
THIS HEADLINE
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…