Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
that wasn’t the question
Did I do this right
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!