The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I was bored.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.