THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.