My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.