A short story about romance.
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?