Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.