My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.