Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
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Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.