Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I’ve had relationships like this
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.