Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”