*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?