An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
They’re not wrong
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.