Passwords are more important than ever.
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
This is my pinned tweet
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
A bold strategy
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
This is why I hate group projects
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber