when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline