Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness