Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I feel this so hard
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Feels like the fourth month in January
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Lube but for my dry humor.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.