Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
pat pat
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.