Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I’m a self-made hundredaire
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
looks legit
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes