me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.