If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: