Reporter: *ports again*
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.