My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.