[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe