The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”