Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.