Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
huge if true: the moon
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter