Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
True freaking story!
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM