6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You Might Also Like
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school