i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
A great tip. #CakeRex
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
🤣
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
LOL!
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again