How much for the goth pool noodles?
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.