HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Hell yeah 👍
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.