Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Just parrot things
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*