going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*