I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?