I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Europe. Made in Germany.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Best mom ever 😂
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.