So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat