Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)