“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Your honor these allegations are
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.