I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: